Michael Gove is having a Zoom meeting with Boris Johnson.
Gove: As you know, criticisms of our handling of the pandemic are growing. I think we need to increase our transparency.
Boris: More transparency? Ridiculous idea, that’ll only fuel the criticisms.
Gove: Might we at least publish more of the Sage reports? It would help to demonstrate how we are following the science every step of the way.
Boris: Hmm, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. All that swearing. They’d have to be heavily redacted and that would only raise suspicions that we’re hiding something.
Gove: Well, perhaps we need to be more honest about the lessons we are learning along the way instead of insisting that everything is hunky dory.
Boris: More honesty? Spell out lessons learnt? Utter claptrap. I’d rather be found dead in a ditch.
Gove: Well, what are we going to do about our scientific advisors? It’s starting to dawn on them that we’re setting them up as scapegoats.
Boris: Read them the riot act. Tell them to keep presenting those charts with a straight face or else they’ll be furloughed like everyone else.
Gove: But they are threatening to withdraw completely from the daily briefings unless we agree to unmuzzle them.
Boris: Unmuzzle them? They’ll be insisting on wearing face masks next.
Gove: Hang on, that’s not a bad idea! How about using actors with face coverings? No one would know.
Boris: You’ll have a job to find an actor who can impersonate Chris Whitty.
Gove: Well, how about insisting they wear full PPE gear?
Boris: Now you’re talking! And while you’re at it, let’s go the whole hog and replace ministers with actors in PPE. They’d do a far better job.
Gove: Brilliant idea! Reduces unemployment and gets us off the hook.
Boris: Make sure their contract forbids any mention of targets or new initiatives.
Gove: Or testing and contact tracing.
Boris: Or care homes.
Gove: Or the NHS.
Boris: Or schools. In fact, offer them a bonus if they can do the daily briefings without mentioning the coronavirus at all.
